Unremarkable

Previously deported Illegal Alien and Drunk Driving competitor Gabriel Huerta Cruz was up to his old tricks, Swilling-n-Swerving around our country. Somehow, after being deported, he managed to elude the robotic dogs, acid pits, Sentry Monsters^tm and National Guard troops lining every inch of our Southern border and smuggle himself into the country. Then he got arrested and a Grand Jury got involved.

l’m not sure why the Grand Jury was involved, since he didn’t run anyone over or careen into a group of children. If anything, I’d say his performance this season was completely unremarkable. But what do I know?

Congratulations, Gabriel on being our Illegal Alien of the Day! You’re out of the competition in the Sport of Sorts this year, but there’s always next year!

Grand jury returns indictment in illegal immigrant case

Both Begin, “We Are Gathered Here Today…”

"I would like to thank your generous Justice system for giving me so many chances. This time, I got it right, and next time will be even better!"

I think the article says it best:

According to police, [Omar Armando] Loera was arrested in 1998 for carrying 48 pounds of marijuana over the U.S.-Mexican border. He was convicted in 2000 and later deported. He came back to California and was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon in a Fresno knife attack and was deported again in 2001. In 2004 he was convicted of sexual battery and released in 2005. In 2008 he was convicted of armed robbery and was paroled last February. He hasn’t been seen by law enforcement since.

Maybe not seen, but his decision to burgle, assault, murder and immolate a young lady just as she returned home from wedding dress shopping sure does make him highly visible.

Congratulations, Señor Loera! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Even though that young lady never had her wedding day, you sure did give her fiancé and family a day they’ll never forget! Keep up the philanthropy when they inevitably catch-n-release you again!

Parolee Lost by System Sought in Killing of Bride-to-Be

UPDATE: The Los Angeles Police Protective League is attacking the system that allowed today’s honoree to go free. I say they need to shut up and do their jobs… arrest violent criminals so they can be set free by judges who know better!

Chere Osmanhodzic Murder Case Inspires LAPD Union To Say We Told You So: Suspect Saw An Early Release Despite Record

Shooting Officials Will Not Help You With Your Stats

Never shoot the ref.

Unlike some other professional sports I could name, the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens does not tolerate shenanigans. Rules are rules. And when previously-deported Drunk Driver Hector Mercado’s family intervened during the ref’s tallying of Hector’s score, it was a gross violation of the rules.

Yes, while Referee/Officer Katie Lawson was arresting and scoring Señor Mercado’s run, his family (who may-or-may-not also be Illegals) foolishly tried to up Hector’s score by shooting the officer!

Needless to say, that scheme lacked any forethought (“actions by participants not in the vehicle with the Drunk Driver are not counted”), it got poor Hector a lifetime suspension. Way to go, helpful family!

Sorry about being your being booted from the league, but congratulations on being our Illegal Alien of the Day, Hector Mercado! Remember, even though you can’t take the field with the big boys anymore, there’s always pro-am! Or another hobby. Like rape or kidnapping.

Man whose family is charged in the shooting of an OKC police officer is indicted in federal court

Bones Vs. Bumpers

The Official Sport of Illegal Aliens is muy caliente this season! From stunning upsets involving nuns to using children as co-pilots, this year’s Drunk Driving competition is turning out to be a bloody spectacular show! Now, in another season shocker, we have the first confirmed out-of-vehicle kill! That’s right, hit-and-run, baby!

Aged World War Two veteran Aubrey Sosebee, shuffling out to his mailbox on foot, was no match for drunken Illegal Alien Celso Iban Campo-Durates and more than a ton of hurtling steel! After splatting into and thu-thumping over Mr. Sosebee, Señor Campo-Durates fled the scene, perhaps too proud to take immediate credit for his stellar accomplishment. But the story doesn’t end there, nosiree! Old Aubrey hung on for months in the hospital, he did, clinging to life and in terrible pain! I gotta say, in a sport that values maiming as much as body count, this is a double whammy! Suffering and death! Ladies and gentlemen, this is what the game is all about! Yes!

But what gives this story a really, extra super dose of special, is that Celso plead guilty to a lesser charge in the smiting of Sosebee on condition he be deported, which he was. But now he’s back! Yes, like the majority of the noble souls chronicled here Celso has somehow made multiple trips over the ghoul-patroled, radioactive death zone known as the US-Mexico Border. How do they all keep slipping through that horrible, cursed spot of earth? But I digress…

Congratulations, Celso Iban Campo-Durates! Not only are you our Illegal Alien of the Day, but you’re playing like a true pro this season! When you’re inevitably released by America’s justice system, keep up the good work!

Illegal alien in court over driving charges

Do Not Confuse Los Zetas With The Aliens That Scientologists Are Fighting

With so many mugshots this week, the site was starting to look drab; therefore, I chose to place Miguel -- or in this case his head -- in a more exciting and thus visually appealing setting.

Previously deported Illegal Alien Miguel Angel Rivera was just chillin’. You know… hangin’ behind a false wall, tryin’ not to make any noise so the cops don’t hear, when — BANG! — Johnny Law wrests him from his peaceful repose and zaps him with a Tazer! And for what? Another simple cultural misunderstanding.

You see, in some, more sophisticated societies (from which we could learn much), that which we call “kidnapping” isn’t a crime so much as a business model. And, as will happen sometimes in these ventures, things can get into the red. They call that an “unfortunate fact of doing business,” and we — from our ostentatious glass house — cry “murder!” Shame on us! Shame!

The article also states that Señor Rivera is a member-in-good-standing of Los Zetas, the Latino civic organization we keep hearing so much about! How exciting! That’s another group that has done so much to bring such goodwill to the Latino community! But I digress…

Congratulations, Miguel Angel Rivera! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! That aught to get you a free cup of coffee somewhere!

Feds arrest Webb County fugitive

Not As Smart As His Forehead Might Indicate

He's got a lot of space on his forehead. He should consider a cool tattoo. No need to waste all that free real estate.

While merely a bush-league rookie in the Official Sport of Illegals (having 2 DUI convictions), Melvin Alvarado is a true champion in the world of armed robbery. Well, when I say “armed robbery,” I mean that he had a gun. He didn’t confront anyone with the weapon, he just used it to commit a robbery. That is to say, he shot a 14-year-old girl in the back, then ran up and took the valuables from her bleeding corpse.

Doubtlessly, this is commonplace in Melvin’s homeland of El Salvador (a place to which he has been deported twice by ICE). Here in America, however, people get upset when their children are executed for their cell phones and jewelry. We’re just culturally biased in that regard.

Congratulations, Señor Alvarado! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! And thank your lucky stars you’re of “dark complexion” or you might have ended up with a Hate Crimes charge for this killing! To avoid this possibility in the future, be sure only to murder white people.

Suspect in fatal shooting of teen was deported twice

Dream Date… Denied!

The US-Mexico "Line of Death". Sleep sound. The Border is secure.

Despite evading the electric eyes, laser-sensors, and Predator drones on the fire-blasted plain known as the US-Mexico Border, an unnamed Illegal Alien was not able to evade the Border Patrol once inside our nation. Thus were his plans for Dream-Dating his way across the southwest thwarted.

Yes, this unnamed Illegal we’ll call “Steve,” was already convicted of sexually assaulting a 14-year-old, and deported from our shores. But once he had a taste of sweet, young American girls he just couldn’t stay away! He’d risk anything to get back in, he would! Even the blood-spattered death-machinery which defends our southern exposure 24/7.

Well, tough luck on the dating, Steve, but congratulations on being our Illegal Alien of the Day! And don’t let this one setback stop you from trying again… millions of unsuspecting pre-pubescent girls are counting on you!

Convicted sex offender arrested near Calexico

He Who Hath Breached No-Man’s Land Four Times

For the record, the staff keeps telling me that the Border doesn't look anything like this.

Another day, another Illegal Alien driving drunk with a child in the car.

Of course, Manuel Borja-Vega, the Illegal in question, is more than just a farm-league Drunk Driver endangering a minor. Manuel has an impressive police record, having racked up convictions for drunk driving (4 previous times!), making terroristic threats, unlawfully carrying a weapon, evading arrest, assault and transporting Illegal Aliens.

Oh, and did I mention he’s been deported 3 times already? (How do these people keep getting through the lines of troops and tanks and razor-wire fences on our border?)

Congratulations, Manuel Borja-Vega (a/k/a Carlos Ortega, a/k/a Miguel Gomez-Boria, a/k/a Bertin Aveja-Granados, a/k/a Samuel Vega, a/k/a Andres M. Orrostieta, a/k/a Mauel Borja-Vega, a/k/a Nau Berduzco-Pena, a/k/a Navor Reynosa-Vega)… you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Oh, and please tell me you at least let the little kid get drunk too… it can be scary for wee ones to be driven around by intoxicated people if they themselves haven’t imbibed a bit.

3-time deported Mexican national sentenced to 11 years in prison

To What Else Would He Return?

Bryon is somewhat of a Renaissance Man. I imagine he looks like this.

Illegal Alien Byron Rousil is a complicated man: Speeder. Driver-with-suspended-license. Meth dealer. Convicted Felon. Prior deportee. Wielder of handguns (illegally, natch).

That boy’s got more layers than an onion, I tell ya! He’s exactly the kind of feisty, entrepreneurial, law-breaking Ambassador of South-of-the-Border Culture that this country so desperately needs!

So congrats, Byron Rousil… you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Thanks for everything!

Deported Illegal Alien Returns To Life Of Crime In Canyon Country

Something Stinks

Stick out your can. Marco's on the way.

He… a previously-deported Illegal Immigrant with a history of drug convictions driving a garbage truck.

She …A bicycle-riding 22-year-old American girl.

They meet on a street corner in Washington, DC… and sparks fly.

And rubber. And blood. And bits of bike and skin. And hair. Hair flies, too.

Now two years later, Marco Fuentes Flores is finally under arrest for killing velocipede-rider Alice Swanson, and it was a TV news story of the crime that broke the case, according to ICE:

“That news story gave us the information we needed to arrest this convicted criminal alien,” said Henry Lucero, director of ICE’s DC and Virginia Field Office for Enforcement and Removal.

Wow! Glad WUSA-TV was on the case or ICE would have been hamstrung! How ever would they find an angle on which to arrest a previously deported drug-smuggler who was in the country illegally, driving a truck without a legal license and who just squished a girl on a bike? He’s above the law! Untouchable! There’s no information on which to arrest him!

Well, except for all that evidence and stuff that the TV news was somehow able to find.

Oh, and did I mention Señor Flores was still employed and still driving the garbage truck when ICE picked him up? (I sense some Helpful Americans behind the scenes!)

Anyway, without further adieu, Marco Fuentes Flores: you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Please write from jail to let us know if you were drunk when you killed that kid… we can’t get you bracketed in the Official Sport of Illegals if you weren’t drunk.

Immigration Agents Arrest Truck Driver Who Killed Bicyclist