I Admit, Playoffs Were A Bad Idea

You know, for what began as a thrilling season of Drunk Driving (the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens), the playoffs have been pretty poor. My sports editor has been arguing with me from the beginning that a bracket-system cannot work since — to get a spot — one must be arrested first as proof of the accomplishment. My counter-argument was that we’d surely put them back out on the streets; no one wants to decrease diversity in an area by locking away their most colorful inhabitants!

Well, turns out he was right and I was wrong. So now I owe him lunch at Pizza Tyrant. Smug little SOB.

The good news is that despite any unfortunate rules I may have implemented, the Sport of Sorts goes on for 2010! Behold Luis Gonzalez-Diaz! Luis is another passenger-killer, which scores much lower than mangling an innocent bystander… but he also picked up points for being on cocaine (the “Scarface” rule)!

Congratulations, Señor Gonzalez-Diaz on your spot in the finals, and on being our Illegal Alien of the day! And about those finals… I’m really sorry if they never take place. We’ll revamp the rules for next year. Promise.

Illegal immigrant sentenced to 8 years

Unremarkable

Previously deported Illegal Alien and Drunk Driving competitor Gabriel Huerta Cruz was up to his old tricks, Swilling-n-Swerving around our country. Somehow, after being deported, he managed to elude the robotic dogs, acid pits, Sentry Monsters^tm and National Guard troops lining every inch of our Southern border and smuggle himself into the country. Then he got arrested and a Grand Jury got involved.

l’m not sure why the Grand Jury was involved, since he didn’t run anyone over or careen into a group of children. If anything, I’d say his performance this season was completely unremarkable. But what do I know?

Congratulations, Gabriel on being our Illegal Alien of the Day! You’re out of the competition in the Sport of Sorts this year, but there’s always next year!

Grand jury returns indictment in illegal immigrant case

Sanctuary Cities: Showcase Or Melting Pot?

Look how much fun they're having! Someday, thanks to happy, well-informed folks like this, maybe your town will be a Sanctuary City!

We’re all on pins and needles here at SportsCentre: DUI today! Why? Because — dependent upon verification of intoxication — we may have this year’s first woman on the leader board! You heard me! Illegal Alien Vilma Leticia Santos Diaz, of San Rafael, California (or somewhere south of here where they speak Spanish, depending) was whizzing about in Illegal Alien Driving fashion when she crunched a bicyclist (and I presume the bike).

Of course, San Rafael being a Sanctuary City, one would think it would be proud of the violence and disease it has helped to foster through its protective laws… but they won’t even give poor Vilma full credit for the grievous bodily harm to a pedestrian:

The bicyclist, whose name has not been released, violated the state’s vehicle code by failing to yield to traffic when entering a crosswalk or highway…

Beyond that, the article even dances around her Illegalness! How can Americans learn to appreciate the verve and vigor of Illegals if places like San Rafael try to portray colorful characters such as Señora Diaz as bland-old Americans? This is about diversity! Be proud of your lawbreaking, violent and illiterate visitors! After all, what’s a Sanctuary City if not a gleaming beacon of tolerance and bedbugs, broadcasting to the rest of the nation: “Look what’s happening here! Follow our lead to Utopia!” Instead, they act like they’re some kind of smelter or mixer, transforming everything beautiful and different into something ugly and same-y! But I digress…

Congratulations, Vilma Leticia Santos Diaz! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! We’ll be waiting for the results of your blood-alcohol content before making placement in the rankings.

Bicyclist struck by car in critical condition

SportsCentre DUI – Leader Of The Pack, Baby!

Thrills aplenty today, as newcomer Julian Cadena Cerda takes pole position in the “Sport of Sorts,” Drunk Driving! The Official Review Board of the Sport of Illegal Aliens (ORBSIA) is recognizing Julian’s drunken, double-hobo-crushing-homicide run by placing him in the #1 National Spot! Yes!

The plucky Señor Cerda and his pickup truck achieved the career-making offense by ramming into a Greyhound bus station and squishing two homeless spectators sleeping there. What a thrill it must be for those indigents to be part of sports history!

This feat places Julian ahead of folks like The Nun Bane and The Veteran Vanquisher! No small accomplishment, that! Nosiree!

So today, Julian Cadena Cerda, it is our honor not only to name you the Illegal Alien of the Day, but also the current National Leader in the “Sport of Sorts!” ¡Arriba!

2 men killed when pickup crashes into Dallas bus stop

There’s No Crying In Drunk Driving

Quit blubbering, you big baby! There's always next year!

Sure the NFL, NBA, MLB and countless other sports organizations have all taken heat for their players’ behaviors, but who’d have thought scandal could befall the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens? After all, raping, kidnapping, drug use and even homicide are an integral part of the game! But we simply will not tolerate this latest outrage…

Martin Sebastian of Springdale, OH (or Guatemala, depending) was set to make a career-defining run. With a blood-alcohol level almost 3 times the legal limit and a tummy fueled up on pancakes and bacon, Señor Sebastian made final preparations for the match… by exposing himself to a family and urinating in front of them.

Martin should have known that every sport has regulations, and the regulations for Professional Drunk Driving are clear: urination or bowel movements must be done in the player’s pants or vehicle (or both). Not in front of fans. That’s cause for a season-long suspension.

So, here’s to you, Martin Sebastian! Even though you’ve lost your spot in this year’s regionals you’re still our Illegal Alien of the Day for all that foreign charm you exude (literally and figuratively)!

Suspected illegal immigrant at center of restaurant indecency arrest, DUI charge

[Thanks for the post idea K-Dog!]

Aren’t We Just A Bunch Of Jackbooted Thugs?

"Someday I would like to work on Wall Street or in the Government. Those guys never get arrested."

Juan Antonio Miranda-Medina thought he had done everything by-the-book. First, he snuck into the US unnoticed with the dream of attaining a good job in order to improve his lot in life. He obtained several Social Security Cards and other false identification so he could apply for and land that great job. Then he stocked up on illegal prescription medication so he could remain calm (or happy, or buzzed) at this high-paying job he was going to get. He collected several firearms (illegally), which I’m certain had something to do with this super-cool and legal job he was going to get and work really hard at. He even dabbled in the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens in order to make contacts and business connections. But before Juan could begin to live his American Dream, he got busted! And pro que? Well, probably for all that stuff I just mentioned.

Yes, despite having only the best intentions — like all Illegal Aliens — Señor Miranda-Medina wound up under arrest and detained by ICE. Yet another hard-working Illegal ready to contribute to industry and the beautiful tapestry of our culture… taken away from us by uncaring, intolerant and probably racist Government Officials! How long can we deny all the basic Rights and services we as Americans have to everyone else on the planet? Does our selfishness know no bounds? Or is it simply our innate xenophobia? Perhaps we need to look at the “man in the mirror,” and make a change. But I digress…

Congratulations, Juan Antonio Miranda-Medina! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Sorry about your job hunt. If it’s any consolation, there are millions of American citizens unemployed too!

Metolius Raid Nets Drugs, Guns, Fake IDs

Bones Vs. Bumpers

The Official Sport of Illegal Aliens is muy caliente this season! From stunning upsets involving nuns to using children as co-pilots, this year’s Drunk Driving competition is turning out to be a bloody spectacular show! Now, in another season shocker, we have the first confirmed out-of-vehicle kill! That’s right, hit-and-run, baby!

Aged World War Two veteran Aubrey Sosebee, shuffling out to his mailbox on foot, was no match for drunken Illegal Alien Celso Iban Campo-Durates and more than a ton of hurtling steel! After splatting into and thu-thumping over Mr. Sosebee, Señor Campo-Durates fled the scene, perhaps too proud to take immediate credit for his stellar accomplishment. But the story doesn’t end there, nosiree! Old Aubrey hung on for months in the hospital, he did, clinging to life and in terrible pain! I gotta say, in a sport that values maiming as much as body count, this is a double whammy! Suffering and death! Ladies and gentlemen, this is what the game is all about! Yes!

But what gives this story a really, extra super dose of special, is that Celso plead guilty to a lesser charge in the smiting of Sosebee on condition he be deported, which he was. But now he’s back! Yes, like the majority of the noble souls chronicled here Celso has somehow made multiple trips over the ghoul-patroled, radioactive death zone known as the US-Mexico Border. How do they all keep slipping through that horrible, cursed spot of earth? But I digress…

Congratulations, Celso Iban Campo-Durates! Not only are you our Illegal Alien of the Day, but you’re playing like a true pro this season! When you’re inevitably released by America’s justice system, keep up the good work!

Illegal alien in court over driving charges

Double Dream Date With Prince Ricardo

Someday his prints will come (back from the Ecuadoran authorities)

Ricardo Velasquez has what you might call “a way with the ladies.” Sadly, in our priggish, culturally-discriminatory justice system it’s more commonly known as “rape” and “first-degree sex offense on a child.”

Yes, Ecuadoran citizen Velasquez, like so many, many other Illegals loves him some little girls, he does! In this instance, he treated two sweet little cherubs of 7 and 8 years of age to a Double Dream Date! It must have been like something out of “Cinderella,” but probably with more crying and moments where you want to cover your eyes with your hands. How magical!

So here’s to you, Ricardo Velasquez! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! You might have been a good player in the Official Sport of Illegals (having three prior DWI convictions), but we think you’ve really found your forté with this! All hail Double-Dream-Dating Prince Ricardo!

Man accused of raping children ages 7 and 8

SportCentre DUI – DC Suburb Shines In Regionals

The rusty, steaming, liquor-filled pot of vroom-and-doom that is Drunk Driving — the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens — is really coming to a boil! From recently strong showings by family-destroyers and friend-grinders to some truly stunning driving in the “Baby On Board” category, 2010 is proving to be a thrilling, record-breaking year! Yes!

Today, in place of an award*, we simply wish to give a shout out to the outstanding team spirit of this sport as embodied in Prince William County, Virginia, where 13% of their DUI arrests are Illegal Aliens! In this largely solo sport (“Baby On Board” notwithstanding), players in close proximity make themselves a more visible target for law enforcement, thereby increasing their risk of being taken out of the game early. But then again, you don’t get team stats like that by playing it safe! After all, this DC suburb is the home field of Carlos A. Martinelly Montano, the Nun-Bane!

Way to go, Prince William County, Virginia! Now do something about that feeble 6% overall Illegal Immigrant crime rate.

Illegal immigrants 13% of Pr. William DUI arrests

* Hey, some days we honor more than one Illegal, so we’re not denying any opportunities to our alien, criminal brethren.

His Crime Speaks For Itself

While searching for an image to attach to this article I wandered into some very ugly places.

Sometimes there’s very little left to say about an Illegal Alien that’s not said already by the headline. Like this one:

DWI suspect accused of ramming police vehicle urinated in pants, may be illegal immigrant

What can I add to that?

Congratulations, Julio Cesar Mendoza Agustin, you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! They’ll give you nice, dry pantalones when you get to jail.