Just A Hard-Working Immigrant Trying To Make A Living

Do you really think this cheery fellow would sexually assault a bunch of frightened kids, off an old woman, and then kidnap, rape and strangle a teenager?

Artemio Hernandez is the kind of Illegal Alien that the US could do well to have more of. Artemio not only exemplifies some of the most important cultural virtues of his native land, he is also enthusiastic about bringing Latin folkways to the US… by force if necessary!

Yes, Señor Hernandez’s hair-salon robbery, rape and assault spree is the stuff of legends, and that accomplishment is capped-off with not one, but two murders!

No 17-year-old girl nor 61-year-old woman can keep their virtue and life intact with Artemio around! His powerful combination of brutal sexual attack, along with a spicy combination of stabbing, strangling and bludgeoning is guaranteed to finish off even the healthiest of victims!

But enough praise! Thank you, Artemio Hernandez! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Your diligence and hard work are exactly what this country needs in order to raise us from our stagnation and stupor to a multicultural wonderland! ¡Arriba!

Teen’s accused killer linked to several crimes

Catching Up With Los Ilegales

This was my surgeon, Dr. Lupe-Arroyo. He seemed very angry with me about something.

Hola! I’ve been away for a few days. Sorry about that. I had to have an emergency hernia transplant.

We’ve got some quick catching up to do! Here are the stories I meant to write about, before being waylaid by the surgeon’s knife…

The play’s the thing to earn Manuel G. Cazares his IAotD award! His (dead) girlfriend’s mother wrote a whole whole stage play about his zesty, Latin treatment of Amanda Thomas (deceased).
Play shines light on Hannibal murder

And there’s Saul Montiel, Looker-In-The-Mouth of Gift Horses, who stabbed a buddy who offered to lend him $50 (Señor Montiel wanted more). Congrats, Saul!
Possible illegal alien held after stabbing

Julio Florentino Hernandez-Chile doesn’t just have the coolest name of any of our Illegals in quite a while, he’s also a sexual predator! OK, so that’s probably not a big surprise.
Illegal alien arrested for sexual assault

And finally, there’s Luchador fanatic Jose Isaias Herrera, who — during what I presume to be some sort of wrestling match — murdered his 6-week-old son by breaking his back. Of course, it might not have been a wrestling match. Perhaps they were playing “Twister.” Or he could have been wringing the baby out after a bath. Whatever… kid is dead and Jose gets to be Illegal Alien of the Day!
Capital murder trial in infant’s death begins

So there you go! It wasn’t the Illegals who got lazy — they’re out there as always, infecting and robbing and raping — it was my gringo physiology that prevented these delightful individuals from being honored properly. I hope this has been enough to rectify the situation.

Aren’t The Rules Perfectly Clear On Who Is Supposed The Trigger?

To the best of my knowledge, no one has ever died from watching this 1975 George Segal thriller.

The irony is strong with this one:

Police say illegal alien was shot to death after refusing to play ‘Russian Roulette’

Ha ha! And, the two charged in the late Juan Tomas Chaves Robles’ death are also — get this — Illegal Aliens! And to think there are people in this country who would fight to remove decent, hard-working folks like these! It boggles the mind. Who wouldn’t want a simmering pot of potential violence (and refritos) like this near their home? It’s certainly more interesting than the game of canasta the Glenhavens next door play every Friday.

Now where was I? Oh, yes… today we’re bestowing the title Illegal Alien of the Day posthumously upon Juan Tomas Chaves Robles! Why are we presenting this to the departed Señor Robles and not the two that are charged in his murder? Well… why not?

Ahead Of The Curve

"Loosen up, America. You'll get used to all the beheadings as more Amigos flood into Tejas, Arizona and California."

Crisantos Moroyoqui, like most travelers away from home, missed the sights, sounds and smells of his far-away motherland. He missed the street vendors, the chickens, the children playing… and he was quite sick of the utter lack of beheadings in America. So he and three other guys (including the mysterious “El Joto”) brought a little cartel-style festiveness to their abode by sawing the melon off one of the other Illegals in their apartment (identified only as “a hispanic male”).

Now, Crisantos will be the first to downplay — even deny — his accomplishment, but the bloody footprints leading right to him (and his bloody shoes, pants and shirt) leave no doubt that Señor Moroyoqui is responsible for this colorful display of South-of-the-Border decorating!

So, congrats Crisantos Moroyoqui! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Tell El Joto we said “hola!”

1 arrested, 3 sought in beheading in Chandler

I Admit, Playoffs Were A Bad Idea

You know, for what began as a thrilling season of Drunk Driving (the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens), the playoffs have been pretty poor. My sports editor has been arguing with me from the beginning that a bracket-system cannot work since — to get a spot — one must be arrested first as proof of the accomplishment. My counter-argument was that we’d surely put them back out on the streets; no one wants to decrease diversity in an area by locking away their most colorful inhabitants!

Well, turns out he was right and I was wrong. So now I owe him lunch at Pizza Tyrant. Smug little SOB.

The good news is that despite any unfortunate rules I may have implemented, the Sport of Sorts goes on for 2010! Behold Luis Gonzalez-Diaz! Luis is another passenger-killer, which scores much lower than mangling an innocent bystander… but he also picked up points for being on cocaine (the “Scarface” rule)!

Congratulations, Señor Gonzalez-Diaz on your spot in the finals, and on being our Illegal Alien of the day! And about those finals… I’m really sorry if they never take place. We’ll revamp the rules for next year. Promise.

Illegal immigrant sentenced to 8 years

Framed (Probably)!

Another MS-13 member-in-good-standing gets railroaded by the system.

I remember the Chandra Levy case from 2001, and I seem to recall the media of the day trying to pin it on some sleazy politician. Now — almost ten years later — the authorities have Illegal Alien Ingmar Guandique on trial for her rape and murder. Is it just me, or are they grasping at straws?

Poor Ingmar was most likely just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And by that I mean, in our country illegally when she was murdered. His other knife-wielding assaults on women in that same park aside, what evidence do they really have? Some prison tales from his fellow MS-13 members who say he bragged of the killing? That’s it? As they say, if the glove don’t fit…

Well, congratulations and apologies, Señor Guandique! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day. Good luck in your trial, and I hope you enjoy your stay in our country during your current 10-year sentence for those previous rapes.

Trial for illegal alien accused of killing Chandra Levy begins

Dream Date Upheld On Appeal

"I canna believe I am here. Why am I here? What did I do? Por que? POR QUE?"

Imagine Illegal Alien Irvin Ramirez’s surprise when, while stopping “to urinate on a dark street downtown,” his leg was grabbed by a badly injured young lady. Thinking quickly, Irvin tried to help the young lady into his car. Unable to do so, he gave her his cell phone so she could call for assistance. Then, I guess he left her in the snow to await rescue.

And that, my friends, is how Irvin Ramirez the Innocent Bystander became Irvin Ramirez the Rape/Murder Suspect.

As you have doubtlessly guessed, this poor sap was dragged through the mud and subjected to a sham trial with “expert witnesses” and “DNA evidence” and “eyewitnesses,” etc., and they found him guilty and sentenced him to life in prison. A sentence which was just upheld upon appeal by Señor Ramirez’s lawyers.

But I think we’ll let the last word go to this hardworking, upstanding non-citizen who has been railroaded through our court system:

“I did not hurt her, I did not beat her, I did not rape her, I did not kill her. I am not responsible for what [sic] happen to her…”

Well said, Irvin! And you should know… you weren’t there!

Congratulations Irvin Ramirez on being our Illegal Alien of the Day! Can’t wait to see your next appeal!

Killer’s appeal rejected: Court finds man received a fair trial and sentence

If Only He Were Drunk

We need to ban vans now! They are obviously dangerous!

Here’s another story which needs little in the way of introduction:

Teen steals van, kills 9 year old: Citizenship of arrested teen fires debate

Well, there’s no debate here… congratulations 14-year-old homicidal stolen automobile driver! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! I hope your parents and family get to stay in the US during your incarceration. I mean, if they should get a hardship visa for anything, it would be to be present for their son’s first stint in prison (a sort of coming-of-age for Illegals).

Both Begin, “We Are Gathered Here Today…”

"I would like to thank your generous Justice system for giving me so many chances. This time, I got it right, and next time will be even better!"

I think the article says it best:

According to police, [Omar Armando] Loera was arrested in 1998 for carrying 48 pounds of marijuana over the U.S.-Mexican border. He was convicted in 2000 and later deported. He came back to California and was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon in a Fresno knife attack and was deported again in 2001. In 2004 he was convicted of sexual battery and released in 2005. In 2008 he was convicted of armed robbery and was paroled last February. He hasn’t been seen by law enforcement since.

Maybe not seen, but his decision to burgle, assault, murder and immolate a young lady just as she returned home from wedding dress shopping sure does make him highly visible.

Congratulations, Señor Loera! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Even though that young lady never had her wedding day, you sure did give her fiancé and family a day they’ll never forget! Keep up the philanthropy when they inevitably catch-n-release you again!

Parolee Lost by System Sought in Killing of Bride-to-Be

UPDATE: The Los Angeles Police Protective League is attacking the system that allowed today’s honoree to go free. I say they need to shut up and do their jobs… arrest violent criminals so they can be set free by judges who know better!

Chere Osmanhodzic Murder Case Inspires LAPD Union To Say We Told You So: Suspect Saw An Early Release Despite Record

Justice Is Blind, He’s Deaf And Dumb

When asked for comment, Oswaldo stared blankly and did not respond.

Everyone likes inspiring stories of people overcoming serious handicaps to make their way in the world. Take today’s Illegal Alien, Oswaldo Elias Martinez, for example. Despite being deaf, dumb and unable to write or sign, Señor Martinez was not only able make it all the way to the US from El Salvador, but he was also able to bring huge chunks of his sublime and resplendent Salvadoran culture to America! Huzzah!

No, being handicapable did not prevent Oswaldo from generously gifting our nation with his Latin folkways! In 2005, he raped, killed, sodomized and robbed a 16-year-old girl (not necessarily in that order). Incredibly, our hero has never been properly rewarded for this. Virginia keeps delaying justice on the grounds that he may not be competent to stand trial.

Not competent? I say anyone who can travel internationally, sneak into and out of different countries illegally and then commit violent crimes on foreign soil all without being able to read, write, hear or speak is pretty impressive! Bring on the trial! Stop denying Oswaldo the credit he deserves!

Well, Oswaldo Elias Martinez, the state of Virginia might take issue with your mental state, but we know that — handicaps aside — you’re an excellent example of the kind of Illegal Alien that floods into our country daily! Hope there’s more where you came from! The door’s still open!

Oh, and congrats! You’re our IAotD!

Deaf murder suspect’s trial continued again