Dream Date à Trois

"Kindly help Sir Juan off with his armored coverings, my queen."

In this cynical age in which we live, it often seems that chivalry — among other virtues — is dead. But every so often, a story comes along which gives us hope; a heartwarming story of courtly love worthy of the knights of old. A story like that of Illegal Alien Juan Velasques.

Sir Juan of Mendeville (or El Salvador, depending) had as the object of his affections a lady whom he called his “queen.” He would often regale her with stories of bygone days (I’m guessing), and would bring her silks and flowers and fruits (probably).

One day, his Queen and her older sister, whom Sir Juan called his “princess,” were sunning themselves in a glade (or elsewhere in the apartment complex) when our brave knight approached them on horseback (well, on foot, really) and began to kiss them and caress their bodies until they became so uncomfortable they ran home and told their mom… which kind of takes all the fun out of the story, reducing it from an Arthurian-style romance tale to a tabloid-ready piece about a creepy Illegal massaging the breasts of a 12-year-old girl and her 14-year-old sister.

Sir Juan — no stranger to sexual offenses, having been convicted of a similar crime in Michigan — now awaits trial. Or deportation. Or unsupervised parole. Or simple release.

Whatever your fate, Juan Velasques, you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Congratulations! Thanks to our forgiving justice system, someday soon you’ll be ready to strap on that codpiece and try again!

Illegal Alien Arrested In Mandeville Charged With Indecent Behavior

Simuhumpasaurus

"Hey there, Pedro! How's things? Whoa! Waitaminit! What are you doing...?"

One horny Illegal Alien. Two teenage girls. An indecent exposure… and very surprised plastic dinosaur.

Police charge illegal immigrant with indecent exposure

Congrats, nameless Illegal Alien on being our honoree for today! I’ll never look at Dino the same way again.

Peepers To Watch

"I know something about opening windows and doors."

In Irton DeSouza’s homeland (wherever that is), they must have very few entertainment options. Why else would he develop such an elaborate and secretive people-watching program? Irton, you see, doesn’t just sit on park benches or wander malls observing humanity, no, no, no. Irton knows from experience that the best time to see people unguarded is to sneak to their residences at night, disable the exterior lights and motion detectors, and peer through their windows. But what Illegal Aliens know as “entertainment,” US law enforcement calls “peeping.”

While it was Señor DeSouza’s peeping, creeping and masturbation that got police to notice him, it was his breaking-and-entering that piqued their interest in his activities. And of course, this led to a huge operation involving officers in camouflage posted about town in hopes of nabbing the poor, amusement-starved fellow.

Now, cynics may say that Irton should have been deported when his immigration status came to light after he was detained previously by the police for traffic violations in July of 2003. Or on August 1, 2003. Or September 15, 2003. Or after his June 20, 2005 DUI. Or November 24, 2006. Or January 11, 2007. But these stupid cynics need to remind themselves that Massachusetts is a fair, humane State that has a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (the Feds)” policy on Illegal Aliens. A policy for which Irton was no doubt very thankful.

Well, Irton, here we are at the end of the post, where I congratulate you on being our Illegal Alien of the Day and leave you with some encouraging remark about continuing your peeping-endeavors once you are released; however, given the policies of the State in which you were arrested, you’re probably already free, and rubbing yourself in a lewd manner outside some old lady’s window right now!

Oak Bluffs man arrested for assaults, peeping

There’s No Crying In Drunk Driving

Quit blubbering, you big baby! There's always next year!

Sure the NFL, NBA, MLB and countless other sports organizations have all taken heat for their players’ behaviors, but who’d have thought scandal could befall the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens? After all, raping, kidnapping, drug use and even homicide are an integral part of the game! But we simply will not tolerate this latest outrage…

Martin Sebastian of Springdale, OH (or Guatemala, depending) was set to make a career-defining run. With a blood-alcohol level almost 3 times the legal limit and a tummy fueled up on pancakes and bacon, Señor Sebastian made final preparations for the match… by exposing himself to a family and urinating in front of them.

Martin should have known that every sport has regulations, and the regulations for Professional Drunk Driving are clear: urination or bowel movements must be done in the player’s pants or vehicle (or both). Not in front of fans. That’s cause for a season-long suspension.

So, here’s to you, Martin Sebastian! Even though you’ve lost your spot in this year’s regionals you’re still our Illegal Alien of the Day for all that foreign charm you exude (literally and figuratively)!

Suspected illegal immigrant at center of restaurant indecency arrest, DUI charge

[Thanks for the post idea K-Dog!]