No Time For A Title

"I can't believe I didn't get a proper write up from this stupid blog."

Oops! I forgot to schedule an Illegal Alien for today! It’s probably going to be really difficult to find a worthy individual on such short notice.

Hahahahahaha! I kid! I kid!

Here… let me do a Google search and… voilà!

Edwin Daniel Gutierrez… Drunk Driver… blood-alcohol level .158… killed his passenger.

Thanks, Señor Gutierrez for being there when I needed a post in less than 60 seconds! Oh, and congrats on being our Illegal Alien of the Day!

Illegal immigrant indicted for fatal automobile wreck

SportCentre DUI – Nun Better

Even those closely following the Official Sport of Illegals may have overlooked rookie Drunk Driver Carlos A. Martinelly Montano. At age 23, with only 2 prior DUI convictions and no felonies, Carlos didn’t seem a particularly strong contender. Even ICE, to whom he had been turned over twice, didn’t see fit to waste their time deporting him. But this week Señor Montano sped out of nowhere to take the lead after some swerving, some careening… and some killing a nun!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what this sport is all about! It simply does not get more thrilling than this! With 2 assists from ICE — and one from God — this longshot has rocketed into pole position by squishing/killing one nun and severely injuring two more! Wowee!

Carlos A. Martinelly Montano, you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! From all of us here at SportCentre DUI, thank you and congratulations! Or, as Marv Albert would say, “yes!”

Oh, and ICE… way to go! Carlos couldn’t have done it without you!

Man charged in fatal crash was being deported

Illegal immigrant who killed nun in accident was released by feds

Something Stinks

Stick out your can. Marco's on the way.

He… a previously-deported Illegal Immigrant with a history of drug convictions driving a garbage truck.

She …A bicycle-riding 22-year-old American girl.

They meet on a street corner in Washington, DC… and sparks fly.

And rubber. And blood. And bits of bike and skin. And hair. Hair flies, too.

Now two years later, Marco Fuentes Flores is finally under arrest for killing velocipede-rider Alice Swanson, and it was a TV news story of the crime that broke the case, according to ICE:

“That news story gave us the information we needed to arrest this convicted criminal alien,” said Henry Lucero, director of ICE’s DC and Virginia Field Office for Enforcement and Removal.

Wow! Glad WUSA-TV was on the case or ICE would have been hamstrung! How ever would they find an angle on which to arrest a previously deported drug-smuggler who was in the country illegally, driving a truck without a legal license and who just squished a girl on a bike? He’s above the law! Untouchable! There’s no information on which to arrest him!

Well, except for all that evidence and stuff that the TV news was somehow able to find.

Oh, and did I mention Señor Flores was still employed and still driving the garbage truck when ICE picked him up? (I sense some Helpful Americans behind the scenes!)

Anyway, without further adieu, Marco Fuentes Flores: you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Please write from jail to let us know if you were drunk when you killed that kid… we can’t get you bracketed in the Official Sport of Illegals if you weren’t drunk.

Immigration Agents Arrest Truck Driver Who Killed Bicyclist

Sort Of Like Princess Di

Either played too much or too little Grand Theft Auto

Roberto Saldivar Perez did not want to get deported again. So, when he saw the “rollers” in his rear-view, he put the pedal to the metal! Screeech! A high-speed chase through the streets of La Joya! Vroom! Running stop signs! Zoom! His sweet Lincoln Town Car roared along at speeds approaching 100 miles an hour, La Policia in hot pursuit! Then he crashed and died. The end.

According to the article, Roberto fled simply because he “had no intention of getting deported again.”

Well lucky you, Señor Perez! There will be no bus ride back to Reynosa this time! Looks like your daring plan worked! And, on top of discovering such a clever way to elude the clutches of ICE, you’re also our Illegal Alien of the Day! Adios, and congratulations, Roberto! Glad you didn’t accidentally take someone with you!

Undocumented immigrant killed when police chase ends with crash

[And how about that title? Interesting choice of words. “Undocumented” and “killed” as opposed to “illegal” and “kills self”. It’s so PC and gentle. You know, it’s just that kind of friendly, helpful attitude that keeps quality Illegals like Roberto coming to the US. Thank you, American journalists!]

Finally, The Recognition He Deserves

"I've waited 6 years for this!"

IAotD Jovany Morales is an MVP in the Illegal Alien sport of DUI. In 2004, he set a career best when he hit and killed a man while driving drunk. Naturally, he was promptly arrested, posted his bond, and then ran like the dickens! For six years, Morales roamed free. (The article says nothing about what he did during these years. One can presume he was doing charity work or tutoring children or the like.) Anyway, he was recently re-arrested, and this time his bond was set a little higher to ensure he’ll be around to get his legal due in a court full of appreciative Americans! No escaping the gratitude of the community this time, Jovany!

Regardless of what prize the jury presents you in court, you’re already a winner here! Congratulations, Señor Morales!

Judge Raises Bond on Previously Missing DWI Suspect

TV or Not TV?

A face for radio

The entrepreneurial spirit is strong among America’s Illegal Aliens. From drugs to sex slaves to stolen automobiles or what-have-you, today’s Illegals are there, trading stuff for bucks! Sometimes, however, things can take an unexpected turn. For example, who would have thought that trying to fence a truckload of stolen televisions would lead to receiving a prestigious award? Certainly not Andres Nava-Maldonado. No, to Andres the sale was just business as usual, or so he thought. After he and his partners realized that the buyer was an undercover police officer, they tried to prevent the officer from completing the transaction… with bullets. It was not Andres himself who killed Officer Canales, but as the eldest surviving member of the shootout, he’s the one who gets the prize! Hola and congratulations, Señor Nava-Maldonado! Hopefully millions of other Illegals will be inspired by watching your story on their own stolen TVs!

Pair Get 60 Years in HPD Officer’s Death

You Can’t Run From This Honor

Drinking and Driving: Official Sport of Illegal Immigrants

Illegal Alien Jorge Dominguez wasn’t about to let a suspended (and illegal) driver’s license stop him from spreading intoxicated cheer via automobile. So he climbed into his car — snookered of course — and began gleefully speeding about the area, ignoring red lights and eventually hitting another vehicle after running a stop sign. In that vehicle was a family… the mother was killed but the father and children survived with injuries. After fleeing on foot — perhaps too modest to accept the accolades for his murderous feat — he was eventually caught. So, here’s to you, Señor Dominguez! You can’t run from the cops — and you can’t escape the notice of our Award Committee! You represent much of why we value Illegal Aliens in America! Congratulations!

Burlington Man Charged After Fatal Crash Is Illegal Immigrant

Daily DUI

DUI with flair!

If there is one thing at which Illegals truly excel, it would have to be Driving Under the Influence. I could easily have called this site “Illegal Alien Drunk Driver of the Day,” that’s how far they have advanced in the field of drinking and driving. You see, being a happy, celebratory lot, Illegals are often feeling the effects of an intoxicant. IAotD Juan Quintero, for example, was under the influence of alcohol when the stolen car he was driving without a license careened into a bus full of children, flipped into the air, and landed on top of Zachary Yates’ car, killing him (Yates that is, not Quintero). So, Congratulations and “hola” Señor Quintero! I’m giving you major points for style!

Illegal Immigrant Charged With DUI in Fatal Del. Crash