Bones Vs. Bumpers

The Official Sport of Illegal Aliens is muy caliente this season! From stunning upsets involving nuns to using children as co-pilots, this year’s Drunk Driving competition is turning out to be a bloody spectacular show! Now, in another season shocker, we have the first confirmed out-of-vehicle kill! That’s right, hit-and-run, baby!

Aged World War Two veteran Aubrey Sosebee, shuffling out to his mailbox on foot, was no match for drunken Illegal Alien Celso Iban Campo-Durates and more than a ton of hurtling steel! After splatting into and thu-thumping over Mr. Sosebee, Señor Campo-Durates fled the scene, perhaps too proud to take immediate credit for his stellar accomplishment. But the story doesn’t end there, nosiree! Old Aubrey hung on for months in the hospital, he did, clinging to life and in terrible pain! I gotta say, in a sport that values maiming as much as body count, this is a double whammy! Suffering and death! Ladies and gentlemen, this is what the game is all about! Yes!

But what gives this story a really, extra super dose of special, is that Celso plead guilty to a lesser charge in the smiting of Sosebee on condition he be deported, which he was. But now he’s back! Yes, like the majority of the noble souls chronicled here Celso has somehow made multiple trips over the ghoul-patroled, radioactive death zone known as the US-Mexico Border. How do they all keep slipping through that horrible, cursed spot of earth? But I digress…

Congratulations, Celso Iban Campo-Durates! Not only are you our Illegal Alien of the Day, but you’re playing like a true pro this season! When you’re inevitably released by America’s justice system, keep up the good work!

Illegal alien in court over driving charges

SportCentre DUI – DC Suburb Shines In Regionals

The rusty, steaming, liquor-filled pot of vroom-and-doom that is Drunk Driving — the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens — is really coming to a boil! From recently strong showings by family-destroyers and friend-grinders to some truly stunning driving in the “Baby On Board” category, 2010 is proving to be a thrilling, record-breaking year! Yes!

Today, in place of an award*, we simply wish to give a shout out to the outstanding team spirit of this sport as embodied in Prince William County, Virginia, where 13% of their DUI arrests are Illegal Aliens! In this largely solo sport (“Baby On Board” notwithstanding), players in close proximity make themselves a more visible target for law enforcement, thereby increasing their risk of being taken out of the game early. But then again, you don’t get team stats like that by playing it safe! After all, this DC suburb is the home field of Carlos A. Martinelly Montano, the Nun-Bane!

Way to go, Prince William County, Virginia! Now do something about that feeble 6% overall Illegal Immigrant crime rate.

Illegal immigrants 13% of Pr. William DUI arrests

* Hey, some days we honor more than one Illegal, so we’re not denying any opportunities to our alien, criminal brethren.

His Crime Speaks For Itself

While searching for an image to attach to this article I wandered into some very ugly places.

Sometimes there’s very little left to say about an Illegal Alien that’s not said already by the headline. Like this one:

DWI suspect accused of ramming police vehicle urinated in pants, may be illegal immigrant

What can I add to that?

Congratulations, Julio Cesar Mendoza Agustin, you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! They’ll give you nice, dry pantalones when you get to jail.

He Who Hath Breached No-Man’s Land Four Times

For the record, the staff keeps telling me that the Border doesn't look anything like this.

Another day, another Illegal Alien driving drunk with a child in the car.

Of course, Manuel Borja-Vega, the Illegal in question, is more than just a farm-league Drunk Driver endangering a minor. Manuel has an impressive police record, having racked up convictions for drunk driving (4 previous times!), making terroristic threats, unlawfully carrying a weapon, evading arrest, assault and transporting Illegal Aliens.

Oh, and did I mention he’s been deported 3 times already? (How do these people keep getting through the lines of troops and tanks and razor-wire fences on our border?)

Congratulations, Manuel Borja-Vega (a/k/a Carlos Ortega, a/k/a Miguel Gomez-Boria, a/k/a Bertin Aveja-Granados, a/k/a Samuel Vega, a/k/a Andres M. Orrostieta, a/k/a Mauel Borja-Vega, a/k/a Nau Berduzco-Pena, a/k/a Navor Reynosa-Vega)… you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Oh, and please tell me you at least let the little kid get drunk too… it can be scary for wee ones to be driven around by intoxicated people if they themselves haven’t imbibed a bit.

3-time deported Mexican national sentenced to 11 years in prison

SportCentre DUI – Nun Better

Even those closely following the Official Sport of Illegals may have overlooked rookie Drunk Driver Carlos A. Martinelly Montano. At age 23, with only 2 prior DUI convictions and no felonies, Carlos didn’t seem a particularly strong contender. Even ICE, to whom he had been turned over twice, didn’t see fit to waste their time deporting him. But this week Señor Montano sped out of nowhere to take the lead after some swerving, some careening… and some killing a nun!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what this sport is all about! It simply does not get more thrilling than this! With 2 assists from ICE — and one from God — this longshot has rocketed into pole position by squishing/killing one nun and severely injuring two more! Wowee!

Carlos A. Martinelly Montano, you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! From all of us here at SportCentre DUI, thank you and congratulations! Or, as Marv Albert would say, “yes!”

Oh, and ICE… way to go! Carlos couldn’t have done it without you!

Man charged in fatal crash was being deported

Illegal immigrant who killed nun in accident was released by feds

SportCentre DUI – Update

Welcome back to SportCentre DUI! As the summer really heats up, so does the Official Sport of Illegals: Drunk Driving!

It’s time to start making your bracket picks for the playoffs! Here are some early contenders…

Jose de Jesus Acosta Rivas moves up in the rankings after a career-best arrest for DUI with a 9-year-old child in the car!

El Salvadoran Illegal Jose Joe Velasco had a blood-alcohol level 4 times over the limit when he earned DWI #4 after he led police on a hi-larious car chase which ended only when he crashed, sustaining injuries! What a pro!

But leading the pack this week is Freddy Cortez Flores, who — with a blood-alcohol level of only .09 — lost control of his car, hit a wall, then dragged his partially-ejected passenger 567 feet, thus grinding him to his death!

The world of sport doesn’t get any more exciting than this, does it? (No! It doesn’t!)

So who’s today’s honoree? You folks sort it out. Pick one…

Add This Guy To Your Fantasy League

"I could have been a contender."

Like many sports figures, Miguel Romero Barajas has had his run-ins with Johnny Law. For most players, these encounters are off the field. For Miguel the police are interfering with the game itself: Drunk Driving – the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens!

Yes, today’s Illegal Alien is another up-and-coming powerhouse in the DUI world! While he’s not as yet managed to cause fatalities, he has been very effective at hit-and-run, and has racked up 4 Drunk Driving convictions in less than a decade! Lucky for North Carolina he wasn’t deported, or they’d have lost a star player with serious homicidal potential. And now that Miguel is behind bars, it could really hurt them in the playoffs… worse yet, they may actually deport him this time, completely depriving NC of his talents (until such time as he sneaks back over the border, anyway).

Hola and congratulations Señor Barajas! Hope to see you intoxicated and back on the “asphalt field” soon! Your fans are waiting!

Illegal alien, habitual DUI offender arrested after crash

Mistakes Were Made (And So Were Tacos)

Now he can open an American restaurant in Mexico

Ramon Ornelas was a hard-working, successful businessman, owning and operating several Mexican restaurants in northern Ohio. Now, he has been forced to sell all but one of his eateries and faces time in Federal prison and deportation. And what, you may be wondering, has brought him to this lowly state? Two words: red tape.

How was he — a previously-deported Illegal Alien from Mexico — to know that hiring 58 Illegal Aliens was against the law? Or that he needs to withhold Federal Taxes for those employees? Or that sending fraudulent claims to the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services was a no-no? Can a man juggling a family and career be expected to understand every minute aspect of our laws?

Thanks to the government, this upstanding businessman and his entire family will be shipped back to Mexico for these minor violations of arcane rules of American business. Sure, he was warned in 1993, 1995, 1996 and 2001 when he was doing the same thing, but really, who among us remembers every conversation they have with Local, State and Federal law enforcement? It probably just slipped his mind.

“I got into a big problem and learned a lot from it,” said Ornelas through an interpreter. “I think I am a hard working person. This is what my parents taught me.”

Perhaps they also taught him the Official Sport of Illegals — Drunk Driving — for which Ornelas has two convictions?

In any event, Ramon, despite having been caught sneaking into the US on at least two occasions, is listed in the article as being a “lawful permanent resident;” however, since he has committed a “violent felony” he will shortly be losing his resident status. We here at IAotD are humbled by the fact that we will be the first (but not the last) to address Señor Ornelas as an Illegal Alien. And not just any Illegal Alien, but the Illegal Alien of the Day! Congratulations, and gracias, Ramon!

Casa Fiesta owner gets federal prison time

Jail, deportation await owner of eateries

Finally, The Recognition He Deserves

"I've waited 6 years for this!"

IAotD Jovany Morales is an MVP in the Illegal Alien sport of DUI. In 2004, he set a career best when he hit and killed a man while driving drunk. Naturally, he was promptly arrested, posted his bond, and then ran like the dickens! For six years, Morales roamed free. (The article says nothing about what he did during these years. One can presume he was doing charity work or tutoring children or the like.) Anyway, he was recently re-arrested, and this time his bond was set a little higher to ensure he’ll be around to get his legal due in a court full of appreciative Americans! No escaping the gratitude of the community this time, Jovany!

Regardless of what prize the jury presents you in court, you’re already a winner here! Congratulations, Señor Morales!

Judge Raises Bond on Previously Missing DWI Suspect

You Can’t Run From This Honor

Drinking and Driving: Official Sport of Illegal Immigrants

Illegal Alien Jorge Dominguez wasn’t about to let a suspended (and illegal) driver’s license stop him from spreading intoxicated cheer via automobile. So he climbed into his car — snookered of course — and began gleefully speeding about the area, ignoring red lights and eventually hitting another vehicle after running a stop sign. In that vehicle was a family… the mother was killed but the father and children survived with injuries. After fleeing on foot — perhaps too modest to accept the accolades for his murderous feat — he was eventually caught. So, here’s to you, Señor Dominguez! You can’t run from the cops — and you can’t escape the notice of our Award Committee! You represent much of why we value Illegal Aliens in America! Congratulations!

Burlington Man Charged After Fatal Crash Is Illegal Immigrant