I Admit, Playoffs Were A Bad Idea

You know, for what began as a thrilling season of Drunk Driving (the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens), the playoffs have been pretty poor. My sports editor has been arguing with me from the beginning that a bracket-system cannot work since — to get a spot — one must be arrested first as proof of the accomplishment. My counter-argument was that we’d surely put them back out on the streets; no one wants to decrease diversity in an area by locking away their most colorful inhabitants!

Well, turns out he was right and I was wrong. So now I owe him lunch at Pizza Tyrant. Smug little SOB.

The good news is that despite any unfortunate rules I may have implemented, the Sport of Sorts goes on for 2010! Behold Luis Gonzalez-Diaz! Luis is another passenger-killer, which scores much lower than mangling an innocent bystander… but he also picked up points for being on cocaine (the “Scarface” rule)!

Congratulations, Señor Gonzalez-Diaz on your spot in the finals, and on being our Illegal Alien of the day! And about those finals… I’m really sorry if they never take place. We’ll revamp the rules for next year. Promise.

Illegal immigrant sentenced to 8 years

Unremarkable

Previously deported Illegal Alien and Drunk Driving competitor Gabriel Huerta Cruz was up to his old tricks, Swilling-n-Swerving around our country. Somehow, after being deported, he managed to elude the robotic dogs, acid pits, Sentry Monsters^tm and National Guard troops lining every inch of our Southern border and smuggle himself into the country. Then he got arrested and a Grand Jury got involved.

l’m not sure why the Grand Jury was involved, since he didn’t run anyone over or careen into a group of children. If anything, I’d say his performance this season was completely unremarkable. But what do I know?

Congratulations, Gabriel on being our Illegal Alien of the Day! You’re out of the competition in the Sport of Sorts this year, but there’s always next year!

Grand jury returns indictment in illegal immigrant case

No Time For A Title

"I can't believe I didn't get a proper write up from this stupid blog."

Oops! I forgot to schedule an Illegal Alien for today! It’s probably going to be really difficult to find a worthy individual on such short notice.

Hahahahahaha! I kid! I kid!

Here… let me do a Google search and… voilà!

Edwin Daniel Gutierrez… Drunk Driver… blood-alcohol level .158… killed his passenger.

Thanks, Señor Gutierrez for being there when I needed a post in less than 60 seconds! Oh, and congrats on being our Illegal Alien of the Day!

Illegal immigrant indicted for fatal automobile wreck

Hey, Kids! It’s Double-Dip Death!

The Cerveza Monster has the world's only known case of puppet liver sclerosis.

Today’s Illegal Alien (Francisco Javier Santos) is brought to you by the letters D, U and I, and the number .228

Illegal immigrant charged in West Manheim Township double fatal crash

SportsCentre DUI: The Hail Mary

"Check it! I'm in da playoffs, boyeeee! Tequila fresh, yo! Peace out!"

While the concept of a “Hail Mary” play is not unheard of in the Sport of Drunk Driving, it is rarely accomplished with such panache as that shown by Illegal Alien Hernandez Donaciano! After a dismal night’s performance on the field (0 hits, 0 hit-and-runs, 0 fatalities), Señor Donaciano was heading home-ish when opportunity struck! Or rather, Hernandez struck… three parked police cars! Wowzer!

Yes, this daring chap threw caution to the wind and took his opportunity for fame by plowing right into a flock of patrol cars! Unfortunately for Hernandez, his gambit did not pay off, as no one was killed or injured. But, boy! What a play!

Is this season great or what?

Congratulations and thank you, Hernandez Donaciano! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day and have advanced two places on the leader board! Keep up that imbibing-and-colliding once you’re released!

Man arrested for DUI after hitting parked sheriff’s patrol car on shoulder of road, investigators say

SportsCentre DUI – Leader Of The Pack, Baby!

Thrills aplenty today, as newcomer Julian Cadena Cerda takes pole position in the “Sport of Sorts,” Drunk Driving! The Official Review Board of the Sport of Illegal Aliens (ORBSIA) is recognizing Julian’s drunken, double-hobo-crushing-homicide run by placing him in the #1 National Spot! Yes!

The plucky Señor Cerda and his pickup truck achieved the career-making offense by ramming into a Greyhound bus station and squishing two homeless spectators sleeping there. What a thrill it must be for those indigents to be part of sports history!

This feat places Julian ahead of folks like The Nun Bane and The Veteran Vanquisher! No small accomplishment, that! Nosiree!

So today, Julian Cadena Cerda, it is our honor not only to name you the Illegal Alien of the Day, but also the current National Leader in the “Sport of Sorts!” ¡Arriba!

2 men killed when pickup crashes into Dallas bus stop

Shooting Officials Will Not Help You With Your Stats

Never shoot the ref.

Unlike some other professional sports I could name, the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens does not tolerate shenanigans. Rules are rules. And when previously-deported Drunk Driver Hector Mercado’s family intervened during the ref’s tallying of Hector’s score, it was a gross violation of the rules.

Yes, while Referee/Officer Katie Lawson was arresting and scoring Señor Mercado’s run, his family (who may-or-may-not also be Illegals) foolishly tried to up Hector’s score by shooting the officer!

Needless to say, that scheme lacked any forethought (“actions by participants not in the vehicle with the Drunk Driver are not counted”), it got poor Hector a lifetime suspension. Way to go, helpful family!

Sorry about being your being booted from the league, but congratulations on being our Illegal Alien of the Day, Hector Mercado! Remember, even though you can’t take the field with the big boys anymore, there’s always pro-am! Or another hobby. Like rape or kidnapping.

Man whose family is charged in the shooting of an OKC police officer is indicted in federal court

**** The Referee!

If there’s one thing in the wide, wide world of sports I can’t stand, it’s an obviously bad call by a ref. And let me tell you, this is one bad call!

Rookie Drunk Driver and Illegal Alien Johnny Arias-Martinez was attempting to park his ride after engaging in some glug-glug-vroom-vroom, but try as he might, he could not get into the space. Forwards, backwards sideways… no dice. After some time, Johnny realized there was another vehicle in his spot, and simply left the damaged cars where they were and left on foot.

So the refs (a/k/a the Hackettstown, NJ PD), properly awarded him with “DWI, refusal to provide a breath sample, careless driving, leaving the scene of a motor vehicle accident and failure to report a motor vehicle accident.” However, they also credited him with “DWI in a school zone,” which moves him up a few points in the Regionals… but he doesn’t deserve it! It was almost 7pm when he was arrested! There were no kids in school! This is unfair to those who truly endanger children!

Anyway, you’re the IAotD, Johnny. I don’t want to seem down on you just because the refs made an obviously blind call. It’s not your fault.

Hackettstown man charged with having expired immigration status, DWI, leaving accident scene

There’s No Crying In Drunk Driving

Quit blubbering, you big baby! There's always next year!

Sure the NFL, NBA, MLB and countless other sports organizations have all taken heat for their players’ behaviors, but who’d have thought scandal could befall the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens? After all, raping, kidnapping, drug use and even homicide are an integral part of the game! But we simply will not tolerate this latest outrage…

Martin Sebastian of Springdale, OH (or Guatemala, depending) was set to make a career-defining run. With a blood-alcohol level almost 3 times the legal limit and a tummy fueled up on pancakes and bacon, Señor Sebastian made final preparations for the match… by exposing himself to a family and urinating in front of them.

Martin should have known that every sport has regulations, and the regulations for Professional Drunk Driving are clear: urination or bowel movements must be done in the player’s pants or vehicle (or both). Not in front of fans. That’s cause for a season-long suspension.

So, here’s to you, Martin Sebastian! Even though you’ve lost your spot in this year’s regionals you’re still our Illegal Alien of the Day for all that foreign charm you exude (literally and figuratively)!

Suspected illegal immigrant at center of restaurant indecency arrest, DUI charge

[Thanks for the post idea K-Dog!]

Aren’t We Just A Bunch Of Jackbooted Thugs?

"Someday I would like to work on Wall Street or in the Government. Those guys never get arrested."

Juan Antonio Miranda-Medina thought he had done everything by-the-book. First, he snuck into the US unnoticed with the dream of attaining a good job in order to improve his lot in life. He obtained several Social Security Cards and other false identification so he could apply for and land that great job. Then he stocked up on illegal prescription medication so he could remain calm (or happy, or buzzed) at this high-paying job he was going to get. He collected several firearms (illegally), which I’m certain had something to do with this super-cool and legal job he was going to get and work really hard at. He even dabbled in the Official Sport of Illegal Aliens in order to make contacts and business connections. But before Juan could begin to live his American Dream, he got busted! And pro que? Well, probably for all that stuff I just mentioned.

Yes, despite having only the best intentions — like all Illegal Aliens — Señor Miranda-Medina wound up under arrest and detained by ICE. Yet another hard-working Illegal ready to contribute to industry and the beautiful tapestry of our culture… taken away from us by uncaring, intolerant and probably racist Government Officials! How long can we deny all the basic Rights and services we as Americans have to everyone else on the planet? Does our selfishness know no bounds? Or is it simply our innate xenophobia? Perhaps we need to look at the “man in the mirror,” and make a change. But I digress…

Congratulations, Juan Antonio Miranda-Medina! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Sorry about your job hunt. If it’s any consolation, there are millions of American citizens unemployed too!

Metolius Raid Nets Drugs, Guns, Fake IDs