Dream Date With Oscar

"I am a sucker for pigtails and little pink dresses."

Oscar Anibal Rivera-Lobo is the latest in a long, long line of Latino Lovers known here as “Dream Daters.” These are spicy, South-of-the-Border males who are attempting to bring the courtship customs of their homeland to the US. However, the pig-ignorant, doctrinaire bigots which inhabit our land have a problem with a 31-year-old man dating a 12-year-old señorita, so, as often happens in these cases, Oscar’s the villain for no reason other than a loving, physical relationship with a pre-teen child.

Poor Señor Rivera-Lobo was so distraught over being denied the love of his life that he confronted the girl’s father with a handgun. I’m not sure what he thought he was trying to solve with that, but I’m sure it was intended to be very romantic!

I shall save you my speech on tolerance and community. You’re heard it before. You know that to oppress these people and deny them their culture in our country is tantamount to genocide. You’re just like Hitler! Yes, you! And you, too!

In closing, here’s to you, Oscar Anibal Rivera-Lobo! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Any chance you and the missus created an Anchor Niño during your tryst? That would work wonders for your appeals case.

Greenville Man Arrested, Charged With Criminial Sexual Conduct

Dream Date à Trois

"Kindly help Sir Juan off with his armored coverings, my queen."

In this cynical age in which we live, it often seems that chivalry — among other virtues — is dead. But every so often, a story comes along which gives us hope; a heartwarming story of courtly love worthy of the knights of old. A story like that of Illegal Alien Juan Velasques.

Sir Juan of Mendeville (or El Salvador, depending) had as the object of his affections a lady whom he called his “queen.” He would often regale her with stories of bygone days (I’m guessing), and would bring her silks and flowers and fruits (probably).

One day, his Queen and her older sister, whom Sir Juan called his “princess,” were sunning themselves in a glade (or elsewhere in the apartment complex) when our brave knight approached them on horseback (well, on foot, really) and began to kiss them and caress their bodies until they became so uncomfortable they ran home and told their mom… which kind of takes all the fun out of the story, reducing it from an Arthurian-style romance tale to a tabloid-ready piece about a creepy Illegal massaging the breasts of a 12-year-old girl and her 14-year-old sister.

Sir Juan — no stranger to sexual offenses, having been convicted of a similar crime in Michigan — now awaits trial. Or deportation. Or unsupervised parole. Or simple release.

Whatever your fate, Juan Velasques, you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Congratulations! Thanks to our forgiving justice system, someday soon you’ll be ready to strap on that codpiece and try again!

Illegal Alien Arrested In Mandeville Charged With Indecent Behavior

Dream Date With Yet Another Carlos

Hide and Seek Champion, 2009-2010

This headline has a poetic quality, as though it were the title of a painting by some Old-World Master. You know, like “Girl With Pearl Earring” or “A Rake’s Progress”…

Man charged with rape of child disappears

Hmmm. You know, reading that again, perhaps it’s not as lyrical as I had originally posited. Oh, well.

Congratulations, Carlos Brizuela-Montano! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day (wherever you are)!

Red Bank, NJ… You’re Next

I believe this is Mateo's high school photo, but I'm not certain.

Two days ago it was an explosion of Dream Dating activity in Red Bay, AL, now it’s Red Bud, IL?

Red Bud man accused of sexually assaulting jogger

Something about the color maybe?

Whatever the impetus, thank you, Mateo Gomez-Rosete! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Let’s hope this rape-trend of yours catches on!

Dream Date With Alonso

"I am also handy with oranges, pears and mangos, but not strawberries."

Today’s Illegal Alien jumped out of a moving vehicle to avoid a citation for driving while talking on his cell phone and ends up charged with raping a minor. When life gives Illegals lemons (misdemeanors), they make burritos (felonies). Don’t ask me how… ask them.

 

Congratulations, Alonso M. Geminiano! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Now pass me one of them Lemon Burritos!

Illegal immigrant busted for rape of juvenile in West Haven

Little Guatemala, AL

I'll bet Red Bay is teeming with happy-go-lucky types like Francisco here!

It’s an exciting time to be a resident of Red Bay, Alabama! That beautiful burg is in the midst of a Cultural Reformation, brought about by a large and vibrant Illegal Alien community from Guatemala. We’ve already covered one Red Bay Cultural Ambassador (and lover of children) from that far-away land, and now we find Francisco Mejia — a fellow ‘Malian — is Dream Dating in the very same town!

Illegal Immigrant accused of rape in Franklin County

Of course, the residents’ reactions are mixed, but they’ll get used to all the smells and questionable values of their newly-arrived and uninvited guests.

Red Bay residents react to illegal immigrant arrests

Congratulations and thank you, Señor Mejia! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Keep up the good work shoveling those steamy piles of South-of-the-Border folkways into the face of America! And Red Bay residents, I envy you your ringside seat to the Guatemalification of your happy town! I’ll bet there’s lots more where Amner and Francisco came from… and I’m not talking about their ancestral homeland!

Jesus Loves The Little Children

"Father, why are Your Lawbreaking, Alien Children persecuted so?"

No, not that Jesus! Illegal Alien Jesus Salas Morales!

And the “love” is really an ongoing 3-year relationship that, according to Jesus, was initiated by the female in question. So where’s the crime?

The answer to that question lies in the arbitrary ages we in the US apply to age of consent issues. Once again, our American Hubris and pan-phobic intolerance is foisted upon a visiting foreigner who did nothing more than fall in love with a younger woman. 31 years younger. 7-years-old, to be exact.

You all know our stance on Dream Dating here at IAotD, so I won’t belabor the point, but I will say this: Jesus, like his Holy Namesake, got a raw deal from the court system.

Now, without further adieu, congratulations, Jesus Salas Morales! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! When you get out of the slammer, your girl might be old enough to see R-rated movies! Of course, you’ll have to slip back into the US after deportation, but that shouldn’t be a problem…

Man pleads guilty to sex abuse

Double Dream Date With Carlos and Santiago

"We are so psyched to get this award. Next we're hoping for a Tony."

Carlos Hernandez and Santiago Jiminez are both Illegal Aliens. They’re also both accused of Dream Dating… the same girl! Yep, it’s a double dose of knife-wielding kidnapping and “cultural exchange!”

Predictably, the prosecutor uses loaded terminology such as “abduction with intent to defile” to describe the beautiful scene, but we know that’s because he’s probably a racist, immigrant hating monster.

Anyway, this act of SUV double-lovin’ deserves two awards! We can’t just pick one over the other! I mean, their victim wouldn’t confuse them in a lineup, so why should we discriminate? Congratulations, Carlos and Santiago! You’re our Illegal Aliens of the Day!

(Lookie! We even have two links!)

Police arrest two in Oceanfront abduction, rape

Illegal aliens charged with oceanfront abduction, rape

What A Stroke Of Luck!

This is Lucky Luis before all the luckiness. See how both sides of his face look the same?

Illegal Alien and drug smuggler Luis Luna Baro is one lucky felon. After his arrest near Atlanta, GA for having several million dollars worth of cocaine hidden in his car, Luis suffered a massive stroke. So how is that lucky?

Well, after $400,000 in medical bills, the Douglas County authorities are dropping all charges to avoid further costs. See, that’s lucky!

Also, in another steaming pile of luck, Luis can’t be deported, because he’s from Cuba! Ha ha! Isn’t that great?

So, with the charges dropped and the cost of his care after release falling (presumably) on some other Helpful Public Agency using your tax dollars, Luis can live out his final years in peace and comfort.

So congratulations, Luis Luna Baro! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Oh, and you’ve got a bit of drool there on your lip…

Charges dropped for sick illegal immigrant