Dream Date With Alonso

"I am also handy with oranges, pears and mangos, but not strawberries."

Today’s Illegal Alien jumped out of a moving vehicle to avoid a citation for driving while talking on his cell phone and ends up charged with raping a minor. When life gives Illegals lemons (misdemeanors), they make burritos (felonies). Don’t ask me how… ask them.

 

Congratulations, Alonso M. Geminiano! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Now pass me one of them Lemon Burritos!

Illegal immigrant busted for rape of juvenile in West Haven

It’s Falafel Today, Not Tamales

"I am proud to represent Egypt and accept this prestigious award. Please don't send me home or they will allow rats to eat my tongue and eyes."

Illegal Alien Devid Kamel Sahyoon-Wahba of Madison Heights (or Egypt, depending) knew that in his country, the problems with robbing a bank were twofold: first, you only get Egyptian Pounds (worth about $0.17 each), and second, if caught they skin you alive or cut off your fingers or somesuch. So, like millions of others from around the globe, Sahyoon-Wahba fled to the US, where we mollycoddle our criminals and have fat, rich banks full of American Dollars.

Once here, it didn’t take long for Devid to fall in with like-minded folks who entered a PNC Bank, waved fake guns about and gathered up a bag o’ cash. American Dream: Achieved!

Well, except for the part where he and his cohorts got arrested.

Anyhoo, congratulations, Devid Kamel Sahyoon-Wahba! You’re not only our Illegal Alien of the Day, but also our first from the exotic land of Egypt! Nice to see folks from your part of the world doing something other than making busses explode or demolishing buildings!

Illegal immigrant, Troy man charged in bank robbery

To What Else Would He Return?

Bryon is somewhat of a Renaissance Man. I imagine he looks like this.

Illegal Alien Byron Rousil is a complicated man: Speeder. Driver-with-suspended-license. Meth dealer. Convicted Felon. Prior deportee. Wielder of handguns (illegally, natch).

That boy’s got more layers than an onion, I tell ya! He’s exactly the kind of feisty, entrepreneurial, law-breaking Ambassador of South-of-the-Border Culture that this country so desperately needs!

So congrats, Byron Rousil… you’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Thanks for everything!

Deported Illegal Alien Returns To Life Of Crime In Canyon Country

SportCentre DUI – Update

Welcome back to SportCentre DUI! As the summer really heats up, so does the Official Sport of Illegals: Drunk Driving!

It’s time to start making your bracket picks for the playoffs! Here are some early contenders…

Jose de Jesus Acosta Rivas moves up in the rankings after a career-best arrest for DUI with a 9-year-old child in the car!

El Salvadoran Illegal Jose Joe Velasco had a blood-alcohol level 4 times over the limit when he earned DWI #4 after he led police on a hi-larious car chase which ended only when he crashed, sustaining injuries! What a pro!

But leading the pack this week is Freddy Cortez Flores, who — with a blood-alcohol level of only .09 — lost control of his car, hit a wall, then dragged his partially-ejected passenger 567 feet, thus grinding him to his death!

The world of sport doesn’t get any more exciting than this, does it? (No! It doesn’t!)

So who’s today’s honoree? You folks sort it out. Pick one…

Sort Of Like Princess Di

Either played too much or too little Grand Theft Auto

Roberto Saldivar Perez did not want to get deported again. So, when he saw the “rollers” in his rear-view, he put the pedal to the metal! Screeech! A high-speed chase through the streets of La Joya! Vroom! Running stop signs! Zoom! His sweet Lincoln Town Car roared along at speeds approaching 100 miles an hour, La Policia in hot pursuit! Then he crashed and died. The end.

According to the article, Roberto fled simply because he “had no intention of getting deported again.”

Well lucky you, Señor Perez! There will be no bus ride back to Reynosa this time! Looks like your daring plan worked! And, on top of discovering such a clever way to elude the clutches of ICE, you’re also our Illegal Alien of the Day! Adios, and congratulations, Roberto! Glad you didn’t accidentally take someone with you!

Undocumented immigrant killed when police chase ends with crash

[And how about that title? Interesting choice of words. “Undocumented” and “killed” as opposed to “illegal” and “kills self”. It’s so PC and gentle. You know, it’s just that kind of friendly, helpful attitude that keeps quality Illegals like Roberto coming to the US. Thank you, American journalists!]