Catching Up With Los Ilegales

This was my surgeon, Dr. Lupe-Arroyo. He seemed very angry with me about something.

Hola! I’ve been away for a few days. Sorry about that. I had to have an emergency hernia transplant.

We’ve got some quick catching up to do! Here are the stories I meant to write about, before being waylaid by the surgeon’s knife…

The play’s the thing to earn Manuel G. Cazares his IAotD award! His (dead) girlfriend’s mother wrote a whole whole stage play about his zesty, Latin treatment of Amanda Thomas (deceased).
Play shines light on Hannibal murder

And there’s Saul Montiel, Looker-In-The-Mouth of Gift Horses, who stabbed a buddy who offered to lend him $50 (Señor Montiel wanted more). Congrats, Saul!
Possible illegal alien held after stabbing

Julio Florentino Hernandez-Chile doesn’t just have the coolest name of any of our Illegals in quite a while, he’s also a sexual predator! OK, so that’s probably not a big surprise.
Illegal alien arrested for sexual assault

And finally, there’s Luchador fanatic Jose Isaias Herrera, who — during what I presume to be some sort of wrestling match — murdered his 6-week-old son by breaking his back. Of course, it might not have been a wrestling match. Perhaps they were playing “Twister.” Or he could have been wringing the baby out after a bath. Whatever… kid is dead and Jose gets to be Illegal Alien of the Day!
Capital murder trial in infant’s death begins

So there you go! It wasn’t the Illegals who got lazy — they’re out there as always, infecting and robbing and raping — it was my gringo physiology that prevented these delightful individuals from being honored properly. I hope this has been enough to rectify the situation.

Unforgettable

Alexis is one youngster that's going places (besides prison).

Illegal Alien and Cultural Ambassador Alexis Ramirez had achieved more by the time he was 14 than many Illegals achieve in a whole lifetime of anthropological works. Listen to the words of one beneficiary of Alexis’ hard work, and tell me Señor Ramirez hasn’t made an indelible mark on America…

The image is still fresh in Jon Feltner’s mind: Kneeling down on his hands and knees, scrubbing his [64-year-old] mother’s blood from the floor of her Liberty Twp. mobile home where she had just been brutally beaten and raped by then 14-year-old Alexis Ramirez.
“I couldn’t believe the amount of blood that was shed…”

Now that’s how to make in impression! Jon won’t be forgetting that anytime soon!

Of course, Alexis’ lawyer tried to minimize his client’s contribution by pleading

Prior to sentencing, Ramirez’s defense attorney, David Brewer, asked the court to consider “what it’s like to be a 14-year-old boy.” He acknowledged the severity of his client’s actions, calling them “unspeakable” and “horrendous,” but he tried to convince the judge that’s not who Ramirez is today.

Let’s not undersell things, Mr. Brewer! You’re client is a exemplary Illegal Alien, and I’m sure he’s still “got it in him!” Grandmas everywhere, lookout!

So thank you and congratulations, Alexis Ramirez! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Keep up the good work, kid!

Red Bank, NJ… You’re Next

I believe this is Mateo's high school photo, but I'm not certain.

Two days ago it was an explosion of Dream Dating activity in Red Bay, AL, now it’s Red Bud, IL?

Red Bud man accused of sexually assaulting jogger

Something about the color maybe?

Whatever the impetus, thank you, Mateo Gomez-Rosete! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Let’s hope this rape-trend of yours catches on!

Hitler’s Apartment

That shiner is like a yellow star on his sleeve.

OK, an Illegal Alien (today’s hero, Napoleon Romero Lopez) enters an unlocked apartment, tries to molest a 13-year-old girl, then gets beaten and “escorted down the stairs” by the girl’s father, bla, bla, bla… you’ve heard it all before. This is not unusual, this is a daily routine for many Illegals. No, what’s interesting about the article isn’t the crime, but the subversive anti-immigrant message from the Dallas PD afterwards:

[Dallas Police Lt. C.L.] Williams added that the case highlights the importance of basic home security measures, such as being sure to keep doors and windows locked.

Really? The solution to crime, according to Dallas law enforcement, is to simply “lock the door?” Most people who enter apartments without permission are hard-working folks just looking for a new life. What right does a family have to keep their home as a fortress, denying entry to people (like the good Señor Lopez) who may need a meal or a little love? Isn’t it their obligation to share the wealth this country has given them with everyone, not just their so-called “families?” To discriminate among those who wish to enter your domicile by declaring in a prideful, arrogant manner, “No! You may not enter!” is tantamount to actual, physical, murder! Literally! It’s one step away from cattle-cars and prison camps and crematoriums! It’s without a doubt the single most invidious and loathsome thing I have ever heard in my entire life! Ever!

So, Dallas Police… your not-so-subtle message about closing the Border has been noted. Racists.

Oh, and big congrats to Napoleon Romero Lopez, our Illegal Alien of the Day! Sorry you didn’t accomplish much molesting, being interrupted by a guy beating the bejesus out of you and all! Perhaps we can charge this father with some sort of Federal Hate Crime.

Police: Man entered Far North Dallas apartment, molested teen girl as she slept

Just Your Run-Of-The-Mill Illegal Alien

Aw! Look at the cute little Mexican dog! (I couldn't find a picture of the rapist).

Illegal Alien Ociel Morales-Carillo is like many, many other Ambassadors of Foreign Culture living surreptitiously in our country. So much so, in fact, that I had to check to make sure we hadn’t covered him already! But no, this is a different Illegal Alien who stalked a woman, broke into her bedroom at night and tried to rape her at knifepoint.

You can understand my confusion. Happens all the time.

Congratulations, Ociel Morales-Carillo! You’re our not-very-creative-or-original Illegal Alien of the Day! Next time do something a bit more daring and visionary.

Man sentenced 20 years for crimes

Wardrobe From The Idi Amin Collection

"Shout out to my heroes Mugabe, Khadafi, Nguema, Comoros and Seko! I'ma set me up a junta too, yo!"

This handsome, uniformed Generalisomo-type fellow is Ghouchou Khaba, an Illegal Alien from Liberia. With an extensive record of weapons, drug, theft and assault charges, ICE decided it was time for him to return to that Eden known as the continent of Africa. Of course, Ghouchou did not like this idea one bit, and resolved “not to go quietly.” Well, when they came to arrest him, he screamed, “You have 5 seconds to get out or else,” as he and his clan fought the cops (physically). While no one was injured, the distraction of the scuffle gave our honoree time to make good his escape.

While on the lam, Mr. Khaba called the Feds to tell them he was fleeing to the East Coast to avoid arrest. This clever ruse didn’t throw off the bloodhounds of ICE, however, who arrested him in Houston, Texas.

Well, Ghouchou, it looks like, despite your vehement and violent protestations, you’re headed back to your homeland. Based upon your strong will, criminal qualifications and mode of dress, might I suggest you try to set up a dictatorship over there? Africa loves violent dictators, and I think you’d be really good at it. Oh, and congrats on being our IAotD!

Immigrant jailed for attack on federal agent, vowing he won’t go home

Both Begin, “We Are Gathered Here Today…”

"I would like to thank your generous Justice system for giving me so many chances. This time, I got it right, and next time will be even better!"

I think the article says it best:

According to police, [Omar Armando] Loera was arrested in 1998 for carrying 48 pounds of marijuana over the U.S.-Mexican border. He was convicted in 2000 and later deported. He came back to California and was convicted of assault with a deadly weapon in a Fresno knife attack and was deported again in 2001. In 2004 he was convicted of sexual battery and released in 2005. In 2008 he was convicted of armed robbery and was paroled last February. He hasn’t been seen by law enforcement since.

Maybe not seen, but his decision to burgle, assault, murder and immolate a young lady just as she returned home from wedding dress shopping sure does make him highly visible.

Congratulations, Señor Loera! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Even though that young lady never had her wedding day, you sure did give her fiancé and family a day they’ll never forget! Keep up the philanthropy when they inevitably catch-n-release you again!

Parolee Lost by System Sought in Killing of Bride-to-Be

UPDATE: The Los Angeles Police Protective League is attacking the system that allowed today’s honoree to go free. I say they need to shut up and do their jobs… arrest violent criminals so they can be set free by judges who know better!

Chere Osmanhodzic Murder Case Inspires LAPD Union To Say We Told You So: Suspect Saw An Early Release Despite Record

What, No Comfy Chair?

Any serious Latin Lover has one.

Similar, I suppose, to “Muskrat Love,” Illegal Alien Love is indeed an enchanting thing. Just listen to this description of Illegal Alien Gersan Gutierrez’s 36-hour love-fest with his girlfriend:

“He bit her. He pinched her with pliers, he burned her with a cigarette, he cut her with a knife, he carved his initial in her arm and dragged her around the house by her hair,” [Assistant Prosecutor Mary] Sparkman said. “He also sexually assaulted her intermittently while doing this.”

Only intermittently? OK, he could have done a little better in that regard, but otherwise I think he’s got all the romantic bases covered: bruises, burns, cuts and general roughhousing. Did I miss anything?

Thank you and congratulations, Gersan Gutierrez! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Oh, and thanks too for the marvelous lovemaking ideas! I’m on my way to the hardware store right now. Boy, is Mrs. Howard ever in for a surprise!

Man gets 10 years in torture case

Nobody Puts Baby In A Parking Lot

According to the State Police it was nothing like this.

One of the most secretive and thus rarely-witnessed rituals of the Illegal Alien has at last been observed in our nation: The Dream Date Mating Dance! Amateur anthropologists (and full-time Pennsylvania State Troopers) Thomas Powell and Timothy Keating are among the lucky few Americans ever to have witnessed this inspiring and life-affirming spectacle (from a distance).

Based on the officers’ reports, it was a beautiful and tender moment. First, the Illegal Alien Illegal (in this case, one Artemio Santis-Cruz) picked a random 14-year-old strolling in broad daylight and grabed her. Then, he lovingly placed her in a choke-hold, and began fondling her breasts in rough, Latino fashion. Finally, he dragged her off to a deserted parking lot where the Dream Date could commence. How lovely! Surely, no other natural animal phenomenon is so sublime! No swarm of Monarch butterflies, no whale pod and no pride of lions can match the natural beauty of a horny Illegal!

Of course, it was the troopers’ duty to arrest Señor Santis-Cruz, so there was no Dream Date, but that lucky teen will surely never forget the majesty, fear and “plumage” of The Dance!

Thank you and congratulations, Artemio Santis-Cruz! You’re our Illegal Alien of the Day! Perhaps in prison you’ll get to behold The Dance from a different angle!

Illegal immigrant, 24, arrested for assaulting girl, 14

He Wonders Why God Won’t Help Him

"Welcome to America! Have a kidney!"

Mario Guzman, like too many others in the US, is on a waiting list for an organ transplant. A kidney, in his case. This wait is not only hard on patients and their families but also on the wallet. Until his transplant, Mario’s dialysis will cost about $45,000 a month, and he will likely be hospitalized for another several months yet. But before you get too upset, it might ease your mind to know Mario is totally covered… by ICE and your tax dollars.

Yup, Mario’s an Illegal Alien!

Arrested for punching a roommate in the mouth, Mario quickly made his way into ICE custody where the routine health screening showed a serious, possibly fatal condition. ICE then crept into action, starting the months-long deportation process, and putting Señor Guzman on pricy dialysis and a kidney waiting list.

(Why is the deportation process months long, anyway? Does it take more than 45 minutes to put him on a Greyhound? But I digress…)

Where were we? Ah! Yes… the Kidney Thief! “American kidneys are the best,” I imagine him moaning from his comfy, free hospital bed, “they are all healthy and red and I want one.”

And we hope you get it, Mario! There’s nothing that folks in this country like to hear more than the story of an undeserving criminal who gets free medical care and a healthy, corn-fed, American kidney! I’m sure no one in the whole US-of-A has anywhere else they’d rather have that organ! Screw grandpa! Mario needs to filter his tequila!

Anyway, congrats, Mario on being our Illegal Alien of the Day! Hang in there buddy! It could be worse… you could be an American and have to pay for all this yourself!

Detainee hoping for kidney transplant