Bones Vs. Bumpers

The Official Sport of Illegal Aliens is muy caliente this season! From stunning upsets involving nuns to using children as co-pilots, this year’s Drunk Driving competition is turning out to be a bloody spectacular show! Now, in another season shocker, we have the first confirmed out-of-vehicle kill! That’s right, hit-and-run, baby!

Aged World War Two veteran Aubrey Sosebee, shuffling out to his mailbox on foot, was no match for drunken Illegal Alien Celso Iban Campo-Durates and more than a ton of hurtling steel! After splatting into and thu-thumping over Mr. Sosebee, Señor Campo-Durates fled the scene, perhaps too proud to take immediate credit for his stellar accomplishment. But the story doesn’t end there, nosiree! Old Aubrey hung on for months in the hospital, he did, clinging to life and in terrible pain! I gotta say, in a sport that values maiming as much as body count, this is a double whammy! Suffering and death! Ladies and gentlemen, this is what the game is all about! Yes!

But what gives this story a really, extra super dose of special, is that Celso plead guilty to a lesser charge in the smiting of Sosebee on condition he be deported, which he was. But now he’s back! Yes, like the majority of the noble souls chronicled here Celso has somehow made multiple trips over the ghoul-patroled, radioactive death zone known as the US-Mexico Border. How do they all keep slipping through that horrible, cursed spot of earth? But I digress…

Congratulations, Celso Iban Campo-Durates! Not only are you our Illegal Alien of the Day, but you’re playing like a true pro this season! When you’re inevitably released by America’s justice system, keep up the good work!

Illegal alien in court over driving charges